I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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