Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
