we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
