My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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