i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
