It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
