It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
