I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
