Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
