dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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