Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
