You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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