I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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