Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
