how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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