Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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