Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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