there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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