she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's always time for handjobs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
