party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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