So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
