she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
