I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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