I think I am morally bankrupt
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize