Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
