When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
