so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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