I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
