what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
