Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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