So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize