clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
