you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just found a bag of teeth...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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