i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
