I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
