I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize