chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
