im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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