If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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