When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
