Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
