really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
