I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
