We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
