I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
