Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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