flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
