she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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