They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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