My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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