its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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