just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
