I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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