closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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