now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
babies were throwing up all over the place
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
