cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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