I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
