Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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