I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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