my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
