I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You are the jesus of drinking
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
