I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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