you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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