i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
