Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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