ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
