if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
