The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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